[polazise]

Hi, everyone! Recently my Zoom meeting has been questioning exactly what is cross talk. I’m the only person who has ever attended an in-person S-Anon meeting, where I think it’s actually easier to understand cross talk and also call it out. But I’d be interested in hearing from all of you about how you define cross talk in the context of an S-Anon online meeting and how you deal with it on Zoom, which has kind of its own speaking/being quiet culture (at least in my experience).

My understanding of cross talk is this: during an S-Anon meeting, people should not refer to another person’s comment or share by that person’s name and shouldn’t direct any of their own comments to any one person. So, for example, you shouldn’t say, “I really identified with Kelly’s story and I want to expand on that.” Instead you can say something like, “I’m really identifying with these shares so thank you.” Another example: instead of saying, “John, your share was amazing,” you can say something like, “These are amazing shares.” Another example: instead of saying “I feel exactly the same way as you,” say something like, “these shares are resonating with me.”

Do these examples sound right to you? Does anyone else have examples of what constitutes cross talk or not in a meeting? I told my group I’d be asking this question in the forum so I’d love to share any of your examples, definitions, etc., with my group.

Then, how do you deal with cross talk on Zoom? I’ve done it a couple times and it’s so awkward because I feel Zoom’s culture is to not say anything at all until a person has finished talking. Of course, that’s what we should do in person, too, but I’ve noticed this kind of “no-talk” atmosphere is stronger on Zoom. And then what if it keeps happening? How many times do you feel you can reasonably call out cross talk before the flow of the meeting is completely disrupted? Our group is fairly small, we’ve all gotten to know each other well and we feel quite friendly. I think this is why some people slip into cross talk without even realizing it, especially when it’s just two or three of us in a meeting.

I’d love to hear about all of your experiences. Thank you!

— Laura in South Africa

• This topic was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by polazise.
• This topic was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by polazise.

[tina]

Hi Laura in South Africa,
first I am so grateful, that S-Anon exists in my country and all over the world, and I`m pleased to read, that you have a group in South Africa.

To crosstalk: We dont even have one word in german for crosstalk. I searched for one, because I translated the green book into german. So we needed an circumscription. Our practices in the meetings are, that we do not talk to another person during a members sharing. We do not interrupt a person who shares and give sign and wait for our turn, when we want to share. We do not ask questions or give advise to a person during the meeting and we do not discuss. Here is the next contentual maybe-missunderstanding, because in the english literature discussion is mentioned for the different shares in the meeting, the german Diskussion only means an exchange of different opinions, but that is crosstalk, too. So we use the translated word for exchange instead of Diskussion.

Usually all S-Anons in face-to-face, telephone- or videomeetings do not crosstalk. When newcomers are there, we read the guidelines and explain the rules of sharing, but it often happens, that they talk about the sexaddict, that they ask or remark something when another person shares. But they see very quickly how the others do it. Sometimes an older member reminds on the guidelines. That works very fine. In telephone- and videomeetings crosstalk does nearly never happen in that way I tried to describe.

The other thing is to say something like: Your sharing touched me. Or reminds me Or something like that. For me, this is said because of own feelings and no crosstalk, but maybe I am wrong. It happens in our meetings, which are also not very big and we know each other sometimes for years. If the person would say: The sharings here touched me. It is somehow irritating, because everyone sees, which sharing she means. That seems to me complicated and let me feel to talk covered.

But when someone says: Your sharing is amazing. even: The sharings are amazing. That feels like a judgement to me, even if it was intended for good. That maybe is crosstalk or maybe against other meeting guidelines, because someone talks about another person than about herself, and on top there is a rating (Hope this is the right expression in english)

Very interesting topic for me. I am looking forward to other feedbacks.
Tina

[tina]

Uups, why is the passage pink?

[Robin USA]

One of S-Anon’s spiritual principles is that we are all equal, and everyone’s ideas are equally important. This comes from Tradition One, “Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.”

If I single out someone, in any way (referring to their share, labeling their share, etc.) I am putting them above everyone else. In other words, I believe I am not upholding that we are all equal. And, in my appearing to judge someone else – good or bad – I may be creating an atmosphere of fear, especially for the newcomer. “What if no one likes my share?” “Are people here to judge what I share?”

I see our job as creating a welcoming atmosphere, without judgment, where everyone is free to find their voice and practice our equality.

We also use non-personal phrases when referring to others’ shares during the meeting. After the meeting we can have personal interaction stating what we liked, etc. And I would do this out of earshot of others so that I still uphold the principle of unity.

[Author]

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